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If at least 3 of these signs are present, existing violence or escalation to violence is likely. The longer the batterer/victim relationship exists without intervention, the more of these behaviors will appear and/or worsen.
- Jealousy/Envy - Jealousy is not love. This has to do with possessiveness. He will question the woman about who she talks to, who talks to her, call to check on her frequently, drop by unexpectedly, accuse her of flirting, refuse to let her have a job, ask friends to help him spy on her, check her car mileage, be jealous of time she spends with family or friends. He may insist, "If you love me, I'm all you need".
- Controlling behavior - The batterer is convinced he must make all the decisions, even about minor things such as housekeeping, what she wears, her hairdo, where she can go, who with; she may have a curfew; he will handle all the money. She may not be allowed a job, a car, bank account, or credit in her own name.
- Misguided sense of self - Batterers often think of themselves as totally unique individuals whom "no one really understands". If he becomes angry or violent, he insists that his wife forced him into a confrontation or "drove him to it". However, the truth is that all batterers exhibit the same personality traits, do the same things over and over, have the same insecurities, even use the exact same phrases on their spouses.
- Quick involvement - Many battered women knew or dated their abusers for only a short time before being seriously involved or even married. Abusers often pressure the victim to commit quickly in such a way as to make the woman feel guilty if they have objections or wish to slow down. He charms her into doing exactly what HE wants.
- Unrealistic expectation of the woman's role - The batterer expects the woman to "stay in her place". She is supposed to be the perfect wife, mother, lover and friend. She is expected to "take care of him" and be satisfied by that role. He may say that woman should be "barefoot and pregnant" and express the view that women cannot handle a man's job (finances, holding down outside employment, discussing politics, etc.). Also, she is not allowed to express feelings or opinions without being afraid of the reaction. He may remind his wife and children of all he does for them (I.e., food, clothing, and shelter) and claim that he is only "used" for his money.
- Isolation - The abuser tries to cut the woman off from everyone. If you have male friends, you're a "whore", female friends, you're a "lesbian", if close to family, you need to grow up. She may not be allowed to use the phone or car, may not even have access to those things, not allowed to attend school or church, or hold down a job.
- Blames others for problems and feelings - The batterer may feel he "never gets a break" or suffer from paranoia, as in "someone is out to get him". The woman is at fault for upsetting him. He claims "you make me mad". He uses feelings to manipulate her. The woman is at fault for anything that goes wrong. He may also feel anger towards his parents for their neglect and/or abuse of him.
- Hypersensitivity - Abusers are very easily insulted. They fly into a rage over imagined slights or ordinary setbacks like getting a ticket, having a flat, being asked to help with the children or chores, and view all questions or differences of opinion as a personal affront.. However, they are very hypocritical about this point, as the victim is supposed to take any verbal or physical attack without complaint.
- Cruelty to children or animals - Batterers ignore children's feelings and pain; expect them to perform things beyond their abilities, may tease them until they cry and then punish them for reacting. The abuser will over-react to childishness (see 8 above), expecting children to stay in their rooms all evening, and not let them eat at the table; they can be brutal to animals, seeing them as possessions only, ignoring their pain and suffering.
- Use of force in sex - A batterer may speak of keeping his wife in line by "raping her", or keeping her pregnant. He shows no concern over whether his wife wants to have sex; may even be excited by her unwillingness; may demand sex when his wife is asleep, tired or even ill. He may like to imagine her helpless; may use anger to manipulate her into compliance. He may eventually seek other "interests", while blaming his wife for not fulfilling him, thus trying to excuse his actions.
- Verbal abuse - He says things that are cruel, hurtful; degrading her, cursing at her, and running down her accomplishments. He tells her "no one else would want you"; may keep her awake by verbal abuse, or awaken her to yelling. May scream for hours about imagined injustice to him, not caring who he disturbs or upsets. May threaten to kill her, and/or the children.
- No sense of timing - Batterers feel that they have the exclusive right to choose when a confrontation is in order. Place, time of day, or anyone else's feelings are not considered. They delight in catching people off guard or at a vulnerable time.
- Rigid gender roles - The woman is expected to obey in all things, even to the extent of lying to cover up for him, or engaging in criminal activity; she is expected to perform menial tasks. The abuser makes the woman believe she is inferior to men, or not a whole person without a man to guide her. If she is unhappy, he tells her she is ungrateful for what he does for her, and she deserves nothing better.
- Split personality - Many women are confused by their abuser's ability to change from "Dr. Jekyll" to "Mr. Hyde" in a flash. One minute he is nice, the next he is exploding. These behaviors are related to hypersensitivity also. The batterer may tell his wife that "she drives him crazy", but around other people, he is able to control himself, thus his blaming her is simply his refusal to take responsibility for his own actions. Other people may view this man as jovial, friendly, and the life of the party.
- Past battering - Situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality. The woman may hear of past violent episodes, but he will claim "they made me do it", or "they drove me to it".
- Threats of violence - Usually verbal abuse comes first (#11). A batterer may threaten for years, "prepping" his mate mentally, before actually striking her. Some examples are: "I'll break your neck", "I'll slap your mouth off", "I'll throw you through that wall", "There's no telling what you'll make me do to you", or "I'll knock you into the middle of next week". Most people do not threaten their mates, but batterers excuse this by saying, "Everybody talks like that".
- Breaking, hitting, or throwing objects - This can be used as punishment (breaking possessions), or to terrorizing the woman into submission. This signifies extreme emotional immaturity, similar to a toddler throwing a tantrum. There is no scripture in the Bible that gives a man permission to "discipline" or "correct" his wife. The commonly referred to scripture for this purpose is I Peter 3:1 which states that "wives be in subjection to your own husbands". The definition of the word "subjection" in that reference is as follows: A Greek military term meaning: "to arrange [troop divisions] in a military fashion under the command of a leader". In non-military use, it was "a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden".
- Any force during an argument - This may involve a batterer holding a woman down, preventing her from leaving the room, pushing her, holding her against the wall saying "you're going to listen to me".
- False charm - The batterer loves to portray himself as a victim of his circumstances. They are often pathological liars, making up any story to prove their point. He will discredit his wife in such a sly way as to make himself look like the longsuffering good guy, i.e., he would never consider divorce, abandon his children, or leave his difficult wife to fend for herself.
- Uses the Bible against his wife - Batterers are very good at twisting scripture to justify their behavior. However, the Bible is very clear, in both the Old and New Testaments, that violent behavior is ungodly.
- Family history of violence - This is not an excuse for violent behavior, but it does shape a person's behavior. A man's primary example (usually) for how a man treats a woman is his own father.
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